alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
