oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
