i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
