Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
