this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
