i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
