so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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