You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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