operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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