I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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