You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
