I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
