and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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