What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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