And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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