Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
