I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
