I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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