Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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