Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Randomize
