I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If I die, sorry about rent.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
