I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
