After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
