Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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