she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
