i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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