I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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