Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
