Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
