I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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