just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
