I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
