hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
