Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
