I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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