I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
