we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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