1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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