someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
