i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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