At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
operation have a gay friend backfired
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
