he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
