k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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