and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
