My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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