I'm lost and stupid without you.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
