It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
