alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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