I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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