no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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