what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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